Learning Through Imitation: Parenting Essentials
“The imitative nature of the baby and young child is so obvious and so all-pervasive that we tend to be blind to it, unaware of its implications for parenting.”
Mothering Magazine had a parenting article in 1987 that was so profoundly impactful that for years and years I laboriously photocopied it (back then it actually was laborious to copy) to share with all my childbirth education parents. It’s author, Rahima Baldwin, was a midwife who wrote Special Delivery, then became a Waldorf teacher who wrote, You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher. Recently rediscovered in a big purge, I'm shocked at how well her article has aged, and how it has taken on even greater value with time. While parenting is now extremely child-focused and learning experiences tend to be emphasized - our toys, apps, and handy screens are focused on teaching skills and reasoning - the simple work of growing through childhood may be lost in the shuffle. (I’ve left the article in it’s original language for context, so you can consider both how far we’ve come, and how far from we’ve become.)
“Your child learns everything through imitation - walking, talking, toilet training, tying shoes, endless tasks. And imitation manifest in expressions and gestures, as when we see and hear ourselves in our children’s play.”
None of these actions are learned better from a screen or app. In fact, they may not be learned at all in the way a child needs to biologically (not just intellectually), in order to stack their skills from the foundation up. The child as a maturing organism must have physical experiences to work muscle and organize neurological connections, even as those experiences provide their intellectual framework and groundwork as a thinking, feeling and operational human.
How does this affect the young child - what does he or she imitate? Everything. Every action, every sight, sound, or other sense impression, every emotion from those around the child is taken in and absorbed right into the child’s inner being. Even when not obviously imitated or reproduced in the child’s actions, these impressions become indelibly etched in the child’s nervous system and can affect the development of the whole organism. Young children do not have the buffers and filters that adults have to block out impressions. Indeed, all that babies can do to stop the flow of impressions is got to sleep.
The senses of the newborn remain wide open long after birth…Parents can attend to the quality of the sound their baby hears. No one is advocating tiptoeing around a baby; the baby needs to become accustomed to the sound of your household.
It is worthwhile to ask about the the quality of the sounds,
“Are they connected to life?”
Mechanical sounds* from radio, television, tapes or stereo (*fast forward to the many options available today!) not only have a different vibrational quality, but also lack a living force behind them. They take the place of singing to our babies or interacting with our children.
“The most effective way to correctly behavior in the young child is to provide an example in movement rather than to reason it out. ”
In these times when many women are questioning patriarchy and authoritarianism, some mothers feel ambivalent about getting their child to obey and may engage in endless disputes as a result. You correct your child by virtue of the “natural authority” you have as his or her parent, teacher, and guide into the adult world that your child will one day join. Instinctively, the child accepts your authority along with your love and care. It is confusing to the child to be treated as your “equal” in this respect, and to be provided with countless reasons, threats, promises, or options.
In fact, reasoning with your child is not very appropriate before the age of nine. Instead, out of your inner conviction that creating good habit patterns in early childhood is beneficial, you might say with absolute conviction, “We stay at the table until we’re finished,” as you remain seated while your child eats. Or, “It’s time to put the toys away",” while you hand your child a truck and put a horse away yourself.
Children find it almost impossible to resist movement - imitation is part of their nature.
However, if you start reasoning with your child to get him or her to do what you want, your child will imitate that and become a five-year-old who can talk you into doing things with great success.
“Discipline in the early years can only be understood in terms of guidance. To discipline a young child it to provide an example of how things are done.”
If we remember that children learn by imitation, then we can correct them though our own example, and with positive statements rather than commands. For example, you might say, “We eat with a spoon” while you demonstrate this for the child, rather than saying “Stop eating with your fingers” or losing your temper.
Rhythm, example, and consistency go a long way toward preventing discipline problems. If naptime occurs every day at the same time, it becomes a part of life, not something that invites resistance. Or, if bedtime occurs every night with the same kind of ritual (pajamas, brushing teeth, lighting a candle, story, song, and prayers, for example), then going to bed will not raise questions or problems.
Avoiding problems and correcting your child without any sense that he or she should have “remembered to do it right” can help you to keep your perspective. Scolding or shouting is not effective; it simply forms part of the impression that the child takes so deeply into himself or herself. Remember, no one is perfect, and our own inner efforts and work on ourselves are the best things we can do for our young children.
Striving to be models worthy of imitation
(with renewed resolve rather than guilt) is the hardest and the most valuable work of parents, and it has the most benefit for our children. To help frazzled parents replenish their energy, Steiner suggests sleep, meditation, and artistic activity.
Rudolph Steiner, who founded Waldorf education at the beginning of the 20th century, sates: “The little child, up to the age of seven, up to the change of teeth, is essentially imitative. He learns by doing what he sees being done around him. Fundamentally, all activities of the child’s early years are imitations.”
Over my life I been in hundreds upon hundreds of homes, from age 12 as a babysitter, later as nanny, and then many decades as a homebirth midwife and holistic family coach. I’ve seen a lot of parenting up close, and have seen this play out repeatedly as described. The more options young children are constantly offered in negotiation, the more argumentative the situations become. It was Rahima’s book, You Are Your Child’s First Teacher, and then Kim John Payne’s wisdom I heard in a school conference, that helped me learn how to approach parenting as a parent, instead of a referee, mediator, or boss. He has a wonderful website, Simplicity Parenting, filled with resources, along with books, podcasts and YouTube’s.
Our most powerful parenting move to make sure that our children are capable of living healthy and well in our highly technological, swiftly changing world, is to slow down for early childhood. The archetypal work of sweeping a floor, kneading bread, creative handwork, playing outside, and building with tools provide our children the essential opportunity to fully develop their foundation in all areas of their body and being. I’m seeing these results now in my sons who are in their 20’s, and who articulate a strong awareness of how their ‘simple childhood’ prepared them for the complexed and adventurous lives they now lead. These ideas indeed provide the foundation our children need to be calm, grounded, smart, strong and creative in their lives, along with the ability to be nimble and resilient in a world now profoundly changing even year by year.